Some FF7 People Have A Rousing Game of Clue
by Freddy the Magical Elf
Summary: Tifa, Cloud, Yuffie, and Cid all attempt to play Clue, but it doesn't go quite the way Tifa had planned.


**AUTHOR'S NOTE: It's silly, it's pointless, and hopefully it's funny.  
Also, today (1/13) is my birthday! :D I'm sixteen. So send me lots of money! Or  
at least read a fic of mine today...  
  
  
Cloud Strife, once he thought about it as hard as possible, had  
absolutely no idea what he was doing.  
  
"Are you sure?" he asked Tifa for the fifth time in three minutes.  
  
"Dammit, Cloud, of COURSE I'm sure!" Tifa said, her waspy little  
voice exasperated. She dealt Cloud a hand of cards and said, "Now, don't  
show them to anybo--"  
  
Cid whispered something in Cloud's ear. The younger man nodded  
and handed over his cards.  
  
"Dammit, Cid! What do you think you're doing?" Tifa asked through  
gritted teeth.  
  
"Playin'." he answered sweetly.  
  
Tifa sighed, reshuffled, and dealt again, slapping Cid's hand when  
he reached over for Cloud's pile. "Now, the point of this game is to find  
out who killed Mr. Boddy. To do that, you have to roll the dice...where  
are the...YUFFIE!"  
  
"Oh, heck!" Yuffie groused, handing Tifa the dice.   
  
"ANYWAYS! You roll the dice that Yuffie IS NOT GOING TO STEAL  
AGAIN and see how many spaces you can move." Tifa rolled the dice and  
came up with a six and a two. "See, that makes eight, so I can move eight spaces."  
A sudden movement distracted her and she looked over at Cloud. He was waving his  
hand around wildly, supporting it with his other hand at the elbow and  
looking slightly pained. "Umm...Cloud...you don't have to raise your hand..."  
  
"Oh." Cloud put his hand down, looking slightly chagrined at Cid  
and Yuffie's giggles. "Well, um, I was gonna say...why can't we multiply?"  
  
"Why can't we WHAT?" Tifa asked.  
  
"Multiply! Cuz, like, see, six and two is eight--"  
  
"I'm impressed!" Cid whispered to Yuffie, who shoved a couch  
cushion in her mouth to keep from laughing.  
  
"--but if you multiply six BY two, you get twelve, and that's  
more spaces!"  
  
"No, Cloud." Tifa sighed. "We can't multiply the dice digits."  
  
"Please?" asked Cloud.  
  
"Okay, fine, MULTIPLY the two numbers together. Jeez. Then you  
move your token that many spaces."  
  
"What's a token?" asked Yuffie, holding up the blue thingy.   
  
"That is."  
  
"What is?"  
  
"That thingy."  
  
"Which thingy?"  
  
"The thingy you're holding."  
  
"The what?"  
  
"The BLUE PLASTIC THINGY!"  
  
"This blue plastic thingy?"  
  
"Yes, that one."  
  
"Oh." said Yuffie. "What character is it?"  
  
"Miss Peacock-- stop laughing, Cloud-- is yours, Cid has yellow,   
which is Colonel Mustard, Cloud has green, which is Mr. Green, I have   
red- Miss Scarlet." Tifa explained.  
  
"I don't wanna be this guy! I hate that chicken crap!" Cid complained.  
  
"Not Colonel SANDERS, Cid...oh, here, be Mrs. White!" Tifa shoved  
the white token (AKA thingy) in his hand. Cid examined it critically,  
then put it on his starting square.  
  
"I don't like the name of mine." Cloud announced. "His name is Bill."  
  
"Wait, no, MINE is named Bill." Yuffie said.  
  
"NO!" Cloud yelled. "MINE IS BILL!"  
  
"Oh, fine." Yuffie grumbled. "You big baby. I'm naming mine MR. Bill."  
  
"Oh, that's okay." Cloud said happily. He and Yuffie readied  
their pieces [tokenthingies] and looked at Tifa.  
  
"You shouldn't take that much aspirin." Cid said worriedly.  
  
Tifa shook her head. "Dare I...er, CAN I finish explaining the   
rules now?"  
  
Everyone nodded in a silly manner.  
  
"Thank you. Now, based on the cards you have in your hand,   
when you enter a room- - on the BOARD, Cid, get back here!-- you can  
make a Suggestion as to who murdered Mr. Boddy." Tifa said. "If you guess  
wrong when you make a Suggestion, it's no big deal, and your turn is over."  
  
"Why?"  
  
Tifa groaned and shot Yuffie a nasty glare. "Look, Yuffie, just  
because, okay?!"  
  
Yuffie frowned. "That's not a reason!"  
  
"IT IS NOW!" Tifa yelled. "Look, dammit, I didn't make up these rules,  
OKAY? Now may I PLEASE get ON with it?!"  
  
The other three all muttered "bitch" in varying levels of   
whispers and looked away. The rest of the gameplay explanations went   
on without a hitch.  
  
Until...  
  
Cloud rolled an eight (excuse me, a fifteen, that is) and moved  
his token into the Library. "I don't like this room." he announced. "I'm  
gonna go into the Conservatory."  
  
"Cloud, you can't do that." Tifa said. "Either let Yuffie go or  
make a Suggestion for that room, but you can't switch them."  
  
Cloud sulked. "But I like plants!"  
  
"That's nice, Cloud, but that's not the POINT." Tifa said, very  
impatiently.   
  
"Oh, fine." Cloud growled. "I'll make a stupid Suggestion."  
  
"I bet you will." Tifa muttered.  
  
"Okay! I Suggest it was Mr. Bill in the Library with the Ultima  
Materia."  
  
"CLOUD!!! IT HAS TO BE A WEAPON IN THE GAME!" Tifa screamed.  
  
Cloud looked at her and blinked. 'Why?"  
  
Tifa moaned and lay down on the rug. "Okay, fine, whatever..."  
  
"Hey! Don't you talk about Mr. Bill that way!" Yuffie yelled at  
Cloud, cradling her game piece protectively.  
  
Cid took the dice.  
  
"It's Yuffie's turn." Tifa said helplessly.  
  
"Tough! I'm too old to wait!" Cid said, rolling the dice. "Haha!  
A ten!" He hoppity-skipped his piece into the Library. "Hey, get Bill   
outta there!"  
  
"No way!" shouted Cloud. "Bill was there first!"  
  
"Oh, yeah?!"  
  
"Yeah!"  
  
"Well, Bill's gonna kick your guy's ASS!" Cloud knocked Bill into  
Cid's piece, making it fly across the board and under the couch.  
  
"Why you little--" Cid leapt at Cloud and started pounding him.  
Yuffie shrieked and jumped into the fray, scattering cards and little  
plastic weapons everywhere. Tifa screamed for everyone to sit down and  
shut up, but Cloud was too busy trying to shove Cid's head into his neck  
to listen. Likewise, Cid and Yuffie were extremely involved in biting  
Cloud's left foot and throwing oatmeal at everyone, respectively.  
  
Tifa was hit in the mouth with a handful of said oatmeal, her  
LEAST favorite breakfast food. "Yeccch!" she exclaimed, desperately   
trying to spit it out. "Come ON, you guys!" But still she was ignored.  
  
Finally, Tifa had an idea. She picked up the little brown  
case envelope and peeked at the cards. "HEY, YOU GUYS!" she screamed at  
the top of her skanky little lungs. "I SOLVED IT!"  
  
This did it, coupled with the fact that Tifa screamed loud enough  
to make the big window in the kitchen explode. Everyone stopped fighting  
and stared at her expectantly. A big glob of oatmeal fell from the ceiling   
directly onto Cloud's biggest hair spike, and oozed down it into his eyes,  
but he didn't notice.  
  
Tifa stood up. "It was Professor Plum in the Hall with the Lead  
Pipe. There, I win. Game over." She threw the cards she was holding at the  
other three and stomped away.  
  
Everyone looked at each other for a long moment.  
  
"That was fun!" Yuffie said. 'Let's play again!"  
  
THE END! 


End file.
